


No Man's Land

by angrytourist



Series: complex anatomy [7]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-20
Updated: 2014-08-20
Packaged: 2018-02-14 00:25:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2170992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angrytourist/pseuds/angrytourist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tsukiyama said it himself. Kaneki wasn’t a ghoul or a human, and he wouldn’t be welcomed into either world, not now. But he’d never been confronted with that particular truth before, never in such a blatant way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Man's Land

**Author's Note:**

> As usual, thanks to everyone who reads/comments/leaves kudos! You’re all fantastic. 
> 
> But on another note, I want to remind everyone that this fic is a limited pov, and Kaneki is often an unreliable narrator. There’s a certain interaction in this chapter that could be misconstrued as character hate - it’s not, I love this specific character - but is actually just characters making judgements with very limited information. ~hate free zone~

Kaneki slipped back into his mind, something else, something stronger and faster and better, crashing forward to take his place. His kagune whipped around him, a manifestation of his rage. The investigator would die. 

He saw it happen in flashes, how he burst forward, slipping through the holes in the investigator’s defenses to land the first strike, slicing up from mid-arm to shoulder, a spray of blood hitting the side of his face as his heel hit the ground and he pivoted out of range before the investigator could gather himself and retaliate. Constant movement was key. He would not get caught, would not be stopped, and whenever this second self might falter, he looked back at Tsukiyama’s body and _remembered_.

The rest came in flashes: the investigator’s face, blood everywhere, finally eating, the tunnels. When Kaneki crawled back to the front of his mind, he was on his knees in front of Tsukiyama, a Tsukiyama who looked in surprisingly good health.

“Don’t let me kill anyone else,” he said, voice choked with anguish.

Tsukiyama’s hand moved, and a dark, blissful peace surrounded him.

xxx

The first thing Tsukiyama did when Kaneki woke up was hand him a plate and say, grinning, “The spoils of war. Eat. You’re no doubt famished.”

Kaneki stared groggily at the plate before taking it. There was a fork on the plate, but he’d never been good with those so he picked the meat up and ate it with his hands.

He was in Tsukiyama’s room, tucked into bed with pillows, ones he’d ever noticed before, propped up around him for maximum comfort. He swallowed the bite. “Is this from--what happened?”

“You remember?” Tsukiyama nodded. “Investigator Mado. You saved us both from him.”

“I killed him.”

Tsukiyama watched him. “You did. It was necessary.”

Kaneki just remembered how angry he was. Not just for himself, but for Tsukiyama and all the ghouls the investigator had helped kill. At that moment, he wasn’t human. He was a ghoul.

“What else?” he asked. “I don’t really, I mean, I can’t remember much. Just.” He looked down at the plate of meat.

“Does it matter?” Tsukiyama’s eyes were sharp. “You kept your promise.”

Warmth flooded Kaneki’s chest. He’d kept his promise. Tsukiyama survived because of him, because of the tough choices he had to make. The realization didn’t entirely stamp out his guilt, but it was a start.

“Unfortunately,” Tsukiyama’s voice cut through his thoughts, “Mado wasn’t just any investigator. He was a first class, one with an interesting reputation. People noticed.” 

“What does that mean?”

"It means you're on the CCG's radar now. The One-Eye who defeated a first class is all anyone seems to be talking about."

"That... that was really fast," Kaneki stammered, incredulous.

"Ah," Tsukiyama frowned. "I may have neglected to mention it's been three days."

Three days? Kaneki hadn’t been injured, not that he recalled. He did a quick body check, but nothing hurt or even pulled like it was new. Nothing was out of place. 

Tsukiyama watched him knowingly. “I can’t say for sure, but I suspect the,” he hesitated, unsure of how to phrase what he wanted to say, “slip in your control took a toll on you. Mentally.”

“Is that normal?” It sure as hell didn’t _sound_ normal.

“Kaneki-kun, you’re an unprecedented phenomenon. Nothing about you is normal.” Tsukiyama looked fondly at him. Kaneki wondered why that didn’t make his hair stand on end.

He finished eating as Tsukiyama filled him in: Mado’s partner, Amon, was out for blood. Kaneki’s, of course, which just figured. He’d been wearing a body camera at time, a standard practice most investigators didn’t bother with, but now Kaneki’s face was plastered everywhere to good effect. He looked like a mad dog. His mask had apparently been destroyed by Mado, but rage contorted his features enough that barely anyone would realize who he was unless they’d been close to him.

Kaneki didn’t want to think about what Hide would do - was likely already doing.

“Doves are swarming the ward,” Tsukiyama continued. “Several of my contacts have disappeared. Hunting is going to be… difficult.”

And it was all Kaneki’s fault. 

Tsukiyama didn’t say so, but Kaneki didn’t need him too. He knew the truth well enough.

“What do I need to do?” Kaneki asked. He didn’t know how, but he would fix this. Everything. He wouldn’t put anyone in needless danger just because he’d messed up.

But Tsukiyama didn’t seem to follow what he was getting at. “You? Nothing. I’ll have to go see a friend,” and by the way his lip curled, Kaneki could guess whoever he was going to see wasn’t a friend. “We won’t starve, at any rate.”

Kaneki suspected he was going to buy meat from someone, which was surprising considering Tsukiyama’s feelings on the matter. “Is it safe, though? What if you get caught?”

“I won’t. There’s a direct link through the tunnels. I won’t be surfacing.” Then Tsukiyama’s grin took on a wicked edge. “Worried for me? I’m touched!”

“I’m not,” Kaneki denied, instant and by reflex, but Tsukiyama’s good mood wasn’t deterred.

It was just as well, Kaneki figured. He expected they both knew he was lying.

xxx

As promised, Tsukiyama visited his ‘friend’ the next day. He was gone for about two hours and returned with enough meat for one person - not to mention in a remarkably foul mood. But when Kaneki asked, Tsukiyama wouldn’t say anything about where he’d gone. He said it wasn’t important.

Kaneki suspected otherwise.

They didn’t leave the house, and Tsukiyama didn’t even want Kaneki down in the tunnels. No training, no visiting anywhere outside - normally, Kaneki enjoyed solitude, but this was going a bit far.

Hunger set in again a few days later, much quicker than usual. Kaneki tried to ignore it. He was just getting used to Tsukiyama’s extravagance. He didn’t _need_ to eat. He _wanted_ to.

That was a good enough reason to ignore the craving for Kaneki, but Tsukiyama wasn’t so inclined.

“I won’t let that old fool cheat me again,” Tsukiyama promised. Kaneki, having no idea what he was talking about, just nodded.

“Yeah,” he said, “good luck with that.”

After Tsukiyama left, he went to lay down, hoping some sleep would curb his appetite. He slept soundly, falling under the moment his head hit the pillow, but his respite was brief. Less than hour passed before he woke again, hunger gnawing at him as soon as he opened his eyes.

Coffee, then, he decided, dragging himself out of bed.

A lot of things happened while he'd been unconscious. Tsukiyama fixing the door to the tunnels had been a minor note among them, despite providing an amusing mental image.

It became much more significant, however, when Kaneki walked by on his way to the kitchen and found it had been detached again.

Had Tsukiyama already returned? Kaneki doubted it, considering how loud he usually was. Kaneki would have heard something.

A girl sat in the kitchen, drinking coffee. She looked up at Kaneki, unsmiling. "I was wondering if you'd ever wake up. You sleep like the dead." She looked almost disappointed. "Kaneki Ken."

Kaneki stayed in the doorway. He needed to keep an escape route open. "Who are you?"

She put down her cup. “Touka,” she said. “You’re really him.”

“My name _is_ Kaneki Ken,” he agreed cautiously. 

“The One-Eye,” Touka clarified. 

Kaneki deflated. “I--I guess. That’s what they’re calling me, anyway.”

“Right.” She kept watching him like she was looking for something specific. Something different. “Congratulations, by the way.”

“For what?”

“Killing the investigator.” She said it casually, but something about the way she held herself, the tense set of her shoulders, told Kaneki she was anything but. “He killed--a friend of mine. He deserved to die.”

“I can’t be happy about killing someone,” was all Kaneki could offer her. 

“Then why do it?”

Tsukiyama’s words came tumbling out of his mouth before Kaneki could find another reason: “It was necessary.”

Touka tucked a lock of dark hair behind her ear and looked off to the side. “Necessary, huh? I wouldn’t expect to hear that from someone like you.”

“Like me?”

“What are you doing with him?” Touka asked, changing the subject so quickly Kaneki had trouble keeping up.

“Um, with--with who?”

“The Gourmet,” she clarified, impatient. She was visibly restraining herself, though from what, Kaneki couldn’t guess. He just hoped it didn’t involve him and bodily harm. 

Why was he with Tsukiyama? He hadn’t exactly been given a choice in the matter, but when it really came down to it… “Where else would I be?” he returned. There hadn’t exactly been a line out the door to help him. 

Touka watched him for a long moment. When she spoke again, her face blank, the anger in her voice was startling. “Right, where else? You’re just a parasite, aren’t you? So it fits.” She abruptly shoved back her chair and got to her feet, upsetting her cup onto the ground where it landed with a sad cracking sound. “I knew you’d be a waste of time.” She brushed past Kaneki, and he was powerless to stop her, frozen in place by her words.

A parasite. A waste of time. 

Tsukiyama said it himself. Kaneki wasn’t a ghoul or a human, and he wouldn’t be welcomed into either world, not now. But he’d never been confronted with that particular truth before, never in such a blatant way.

Touka was gone, and Kaneki was alone again, though he could still hear her stomping down the stairs. He wanted to chase after her and demand to know why he didn’t deserve a chance. He wanted to tell her that he shouldn’t be with Tsukiyama any more than wherever she’d come from. 

But his feet wouldn’t carry him that way.

He walked mechanically over to the coffee maker. It was a cheap American-style pot, much easier to use than the French press Tsukiyama favored. Tsukiyama bought it for him. He did a lot for Kaneki.

Kaneki poured a cup and sat in the chair, still warm from when Touka had been there. He stared at the broken cup on the ground and thought about Tsukiyama.

xxx

Tsukiyama returned in a foul mood again, likely made worse by the state of the door he’d just fixed.

“”Did you leave?” he asked when he walked into the kitchen, his voice very calm. 

Kaneki hadn’t moved from the chair. The cup was still on the ground, and before he knew it, they were both staring at it. “No,” Kaneki said. “A girl showed up. I think she did it.”

“A girl?” Still calm. Tsukiyama didn’t visibly react to anything Kaneki said, though he remained standing, a package tucked under his arm.

“She said her name was Touka.”

“Touka?” Anger surfaced, shattering Tsukiyama’s calm. “So she showed up. I see. A set up.” He sneered. “And what did Touka say?”

Kaneki didn’t know what he meant. A set up? “She said that I’m a parasite and a waste of time,” he recited, careful to keep his voice steady though he felt anything but. A hole had happened up in his chest, had ripped free all the things he’d stuffed away and refused to think about. Kaneki was afraid he’d drown in it.

The change in Tsukiyama was immediate. His anger gone, he set the package on the table and slid smoothly into the chair next to Kaneki, his hand falling on Kaneki’s thigh. “That’s what she said? That’s terrible. Do tell.”

“You were right. Other ghouls--they don’t want anything to do with me.”

Tsukiyama nodded encouragingly. “I’m the only one,” he said. “I told you, didn’t I?” He squeezed Kaneki’s thigh.

“You want me around,” Kaneki said. “That’s what you mean?”

“Yes,” Tsukiyama said without hesitation. “I want you.”

Kaneki closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Tsukiyama’s shoulder. “Thank you,” he said.

Even if it was only one person, someone wanted him. Someone didn’t think him a monster. Kaneki was familiar with not being wanted or needed, could remember the feeling as his aunt’s family pushed him away. He was dead weight to them. 

He wondered if even Hide would care for him now, after all that he’d done.

Tsukiyama shuddered. Kaneki could feel it. He didn’t understand it, how Tsukiyama wanted him, but he didn’t want to be alone. 

“I’m tired,” he said.

Tsukiyama sat back. "Do you want to eat first?"

Kaneki looked at the ground, embarrassed. "I was wondering if I could sleep with you."

Silence. Then, "Anything you want." Tsukiyama smiled. There was victory in his eyes.

xxx

He'd only ever been in Tsukiyama's bed when he was injured or being used as light meal, but those were worlds away from being pressed into the soft sheets by smooth hands and a warm mouth.

Tsukiyama’s mouth soothed a path down the side of Kaneki’s neck, the hint of teeth drawing Kaneki’s hips up from the bed. “ _Mon chou_ ,” he said with a grin, “how could I possibly not want you?” He sat back and slid his hands down Kaneki’s chest to his hips, squeezing as he pressed them down and moved between Kaneki’s legs. “Your smell alone,” he sighed, intoxicated.

“Stop talking,” Kaneki said, burning from the bridge of his nose to his chest with blotchy red embarrassment. “I know it already!”

“I would hate for you to be uncertain,” Tsukiyama teased, nipping at Kaneki’s stomach. He pressed a kiss to the scar on his side, the mark Tsukiyama left on him, before pushing his thighs further apart and nosing against the crease at his inner thigh and groin. 

“I’m not!” Kaneki covered his face. “This--this was a mistake, let’s just--”

But Tsukiyama’s mouth was on his cock, and Kaneki’s mind shifted gears to _what was I saying again? Do carry on._

Kaneki hadn’t been with anyone before Tsukiyama. He had no measuring stick of experiences to hold what he was feeling against, but it was difficult to imagine better. Tsukiyama’s enthusiasm was overpowering, Kaneki melting under him.

“I wish you could see your face,” Tsukiyama said dreamily, pulling off. “You’re--”

Kaneki grabbed his hair and shoved his face back down, torn between aroused and mortified. “Don’t speak,” he said, breathless. “I like you much better that way.”

That was apparently encouragement enough. Tsukiyama groaned around Kaneki’s cock, making obscene, wet noises as he bobbed his head. When Kaneki tried to let go of his hair, one of Tsukiyama’s hands shot up, holding him in place until he got the hint.

Kaneki pulled harder, fascinated as Tsukiyama’s whole body tremored.

“Kaneki-kun,” Tsukiyama pulled off again, his face strained. “Can we--let’s--” He started to sit up, and Kaneki’s eyes fell to his cock, how rigid it was.

Interesting.

He crawled up Kaneki’s body and lined up their cocks, sliding together. Kaneki’s eyes rolled back in his head. Tsukiyama panted in his ear, Kaneki’s name over and over as they moved together. Kaneki didn’t last, couldn’t have if he wanted to, and went stiff, his entire body pulsing as he came, Tsukiyama following after him, eyes riveted on Kaneki’s face.

Tsukiyama didn’t collapse on top of him after like Kaneki expected. Instead he slid down Kaneki’s body, glancing coyly up at him before mouthing against his softening cock, “Let me clean this up for you.”

Kaneki’s head slammed back, and he swore.

xxx

The high wore off too quickly for Kaneki. Tsukiyama was still there, settling back into bed with the remote in hand, but the hole in Kaneki’s chest was still there, split open and bleeding all the worst parts of him.

“We should see what’s happening,” Tsukiyama was saying, flipping to the news. Kaneki was sick of the news, sick of the way the spoke of him like a monster lurking in the shadows.

“Okay,” he said.

The news had nothing good to say, assuming you were a ghoul. Doves were arriving every day, and the CCG was divesting more and more resources into what the news anchor referred to as ‘the crisis in Ward 20’. 

“20 is a warzone now,” Tsukiyama said, disgusted. “It won’t be safe for much longer. If it’s even safe now!”

Kaneki sunk into the comforter. “I’m sorry.”

Tsukiyama waved a hand. “It’s hardly your fault. I blame the CCG. They should just give us free run of a ward or two, and everything would be fine.” It was a careless thing to say, but somehow it did seem like something Tsukiyama would believe.

All of it made Kaneki ill. His part in it, the way the CCG treated even the innocent ghouls, the way the ghouls treated other ghouls - there was nothing good about the world they lived in.

“Don’t you think it needs to be changed?”

Tsukiyama flipped to another news station, then glanced over at him. “What do you mean?”

Kaneki hesitated before plowing on. “Everything, it all feels wrong, doesn’t it? Someone should do something.”

“And that someone wouldn’t happen to be you, would it?” Tsukiyama asked. 

Under his gaze, Kaneki faltered. “I mean--I just don’t like it.” His voice grew small. “I don’t know why anyone would.”

“The world isn’t fair,” Tsukiyama agreed, “but I dare you to think of a scenario where it would be.”

“And if I did?”

This time, Tsukiyama turned his full attention on him. “I don’t know what you think you’re suggesting, but I know that it’s probably going to get you killed.” He turned off the television. “We should sleep. Tomorrow, I’ll need to look into my family’s property in other wards. This one won’t be good for long, not with people breaking in.” He grumbled the last, Touka’s visit clearly eating at him.

Kaneki didn’t say anything. He knew there was some truth to what Tsukiyama said, that the world wasn’t so easily changed, but even so, he couldn’t bring himself to forget the possibility of a place where he wouldn’t exist in no man’s land.


End file.
